art by mkgodwin

 

Do you believe in second chances? For you, or for someone else? I didn’t, but I do.

In case you haven’t noticed yet? I’m letting go of old beliefs. I’m opening my mind to change being possible. It’s not easy, because, well? I’ve been known to be a bit stubborn. Sometimes life events force you to change, especially when you’re not ready. So why the use of the word control in the title?

I’ve always been a control freak. I long ago gave up the idea of controlling other people, and I thought that was enough. It was enough to want to be in control of my own world, circumstances, and who I kept or ejected from my life. But in life there exists a twisted irony. The more you attempt to control things, the more they spiral away from you. And the more things spiral, the tighter your grip becomes.

I went through a health scare several months back. In the beginning, I only told a few friends. During a time when I should have wanted supportive people around me, I instead felt I had failed my own body. I didn’t do enough to stay healthy. I didn’t get regular check ups. And I also had/have a fear of doctors. But I let my anxiety grow to the point where as a person who normally has low blood pressure, my blood pressure was high. I had a situation that I couldn’t control, and I had to accept it. Two months after my first doctor appointment, just before Christmas, I found out I didn’t have cancer. It was a second chance. And letting my kids help me through it, seeing me vulnerable, was a good thing.

So that solved, we’ll whirl into another inevitable. I had to find a job. That one was tough. And it was another thing I couldn’t control, because you’re going to hire me or you’re not. You’re going to feel I’m qualified, or you’re not.  I’m not a person who lives for money, but it has it’s place. Like paying bills and eating….the small things. Yes, I found a job. Actually I have found four jobs since.

But the point of all this isn’t the situations, or what I went through. In both cases, I was forced to let go of any outcome. I had to accept my own vulnerability. I had the support I needed with friends and family. And both times, I was given a second chance. A chance to clean up my health, and a chance to have positive impact on my finances. But nothing was ever going to change until I let go of the belief that I could have complete control. When I was able to do that? I felt an incredible sense of peace. And I became more able to accept my life, and me, as is. Those events don’t need to affect who I am at my core. And being vulnerable, though difficult, is sometimes needed to move forward.